Friday, October 30, 2009

Albums That Should Be Listened To Discreetly If In A Public Place With An Mp3 Player That Displays Album Art

Title Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?..

Anyway, for those of us too cheap to drive to our place of work or education and, as such, exploit public transportation, you'd know that your Mp3 player can be your saviour from such perils as loud school kids or having to actually converse with passengers. However, one must show a little diligence when deciding to break out their iPod, not because it's antisocial or damaging to your ears, but because some of us posses albums with covers not really designed for a public place. To help tackle this gripping social issue, I've developed a handy lists of albums which, if you are going to listen to, do so with your music player's screen in a position away from the young or the elderly's eyes.

Big Black - Songs About Fucking

Pretty self-explanatory, Songs About Fucking is about as subtle as its album cover. What if a small child were to stumble upon it, how will you explain your way out of this one? Let's leave the sex talk to the parents.

Naked City - Entire Catalogue

Jesus Christ, look at this shit! As if Naked City weren't strange enough without pictures of bondage and uber-violence to accompany it. What would Great-Aunt Gladys say if she saw you listening to this morally bankrupt filth!

Mayhem - Dawn of the Black Hearts

Well, I suppose their lead singer's name was Dead, I just didn't think they meant it so literally...

Marilyn Manson - Mechanical Animals

Good god it's a naked woman! No, wait, it's a naked man!...huh...actually I'm not too sure what it is, all I know it has the capacity to mentally scar young children for years to come...

Electric Wizard - Dopethrone

For shame Electric Wizard. Surely you wish to be positive role models to little Johnny No-Drugs? Why then would you release an album containing none other than Satan himself smoking a bong? Won't somebody please think of the children?!?

Have A Nice Life - Deathconciousness

Now, we all feel a little down after having sat through Have A Nice Life's 85 minute album (it just keeps going), but surely there must be a better solution?

Moderat - Moderat

Foolish woman, punching yourself in the face. Don't you know you're encouraging self loathing in children or, worse, telling them it's okay to hit women? Combining this with your seeming belief that 'Sick With It' is a good song, I'm beginning to question your judgement entirely...

Skinny Puppy - Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse

Ladies and gentlemen, we have nipple.

Sunn O))) - Black One

Waah! Holy crap; just look at this thing! This cover gives me the creeps and I'm an adult, think of what it will do to little Billy Innocent-Mind, the poor thing will be damaged beyond repair!

The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

You know how impressionable kids can be, they may well see this and think it's okay for them to start battling giant robots without the two week correspondence course that is required under section 4.27 of the vigilante rule book. Then what? Anarchy, that's what.

Panda Bear - Person Pitch

Oh, looks innocent enough, but let's now skip forward five minutes...

The tiger's gone and torn everyone else to shreds! Surely Noah Taylor should have predicted a bloodbath when setting up this whimsical scene, but once again a a musician hasn't thought everything through. Thanks a lot Panda Bear; jerk.

Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion

I'm onto you Animal Collective, or should I say Lawyer Collective! You release an album like this, hoping for us to listen to it while sitting next to someone with epilepsy. Then what? Bam! Seizure. And who's going to lead the class action suit against me and my fruity album cover displaying ways? Why, none other than its creators! Don't think your little plan has slipped by me you electronic-indie fucks.

So, dear reader, head this warning and think twice before playing your potentially crippling filth. I always preferred the older iPods anyway...

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