Friday, September 10, 2010

Facebook Notes - Lessons I've Learned from Facebook

This isn't particularly insightful nor interesting, but an update is an update.

It's been a while since I last wrote one of these 'note' things, predominantly because I had no idea how I was going to follow Oprah-themed slash fiction. I did consider doing some sort of male homosexual equivalent, but it would, essentially, just boil down to the same thing. Maybe one day though, I'm thinking Hagrid crossed with Treebeard from Lord of the Rings, thoughts?

So, instead I've decided to provide a general summary as to how I interpret humanity if my knowledge of it only came from what one finds on Facebook. I am aware that insulting Facebook and its users is somewhat akin to shooting clown-fish at a Finding Nemo convention (a simile that I refuse to explain), but hey, if everyone else gets to make fun of Facebook, why can't I? It certainly beats the alternative of coming up with actually thought-provoking social commentary, which is for linguistics majors and high-price whores (so, in other words, linguistics majors). So, to stop this already too-long introduction, here's what I've found.

1. Everyone classifies themselves as 'weird' or 'away from the normal' and instructs you to either deal with it and like them for who they are or to not waste their time.

Quite a few issues arise from this idea. First and foremost, if everyone's so bohemian and alternative, where the fuck are all the normal people? Of course I'm aware that the term 'normal' is a meaningless construct and is relative to the social situation and what not, but it still really shits me off when people join groups proclaiming, 'I'm wierd (weird is spelled wrong) deal with it or fuk off', but then go on and on about how fucking great Lady Gaga is and how funny The Other Guys looks because it's got Will Ferrel in it. Sorry to take away your martyr complex, but you are not a special snowflake hand-crafted from God's cavernous vagina. You are a white, middle to upper class spoiled brat whose only knowledge of suffering and hardship is when you exceed your monthly data allowance on your iPhone.

Another point I'd like to raise from this issue is that if we all were weird and unnaturally defensive about it, wouldn't society pretty much fall apart? I don't want to get all Sesame Street after-school special on everyone, but not much is going to happen unless we all learn to make a few compromises with each other (if only the leaders of Israel and Palestine were reading this).

One more thing just came to mind, what's the point of joining these kinds of groups if the only people that see what you've done are those of whom you call your friends? Don't get me wrong, the definition of the word friend changes quite dramatically from real life to Facebook, but there must be at least some trace amounts of mutual altruism there. So why are you displaying your exceedingly touchy nature for all to see? Oh, that's right, because of your irrational need to be noticed. I guess I can't really reason with you then, as you're clearly beyond a point of no return; let's move on.

2. Everyone seems to like 'The Big Bang Theory'.

The TV show obviously (I've got plenty of religious friends who take issue with the actual theory, but that's their problem). This confuses me. Don't get me wrong, the show can be alright at times and I have laughed at it once or twice (yes, believe it or not, I do occasionally laugh at things), but I cannot see how it's garnered such a devoted following. Is it because Sheldon has Aspergers? I'm sorry, I just don't see it. If you like well written sit-coms, why not just watch Seinfeld and Arrested Development? They're much, much better. Anyway, this is quite a petty grievance, so I'll keep going.

3. Hypocrisies

One particularly amusing aspect of Facebook life is the way in which people blatantly contradict themselves in terms of the groups they join, the status they post and the comments they make. At least, it would be funny if it wasn't kind of sad. Every time someone joins a group or makes a status update condemning an idea or behavioural tendency, you can be almost assured that there will be something in their history, either in the groups they've joined or older statuses that freely condone it (but, perhaps, in a slightly different context though this isn't always the case). I'm well aware that people change, but something tells me that one's personality doesn't completely shift in the space of a few weeks or months. What this means is that these opinions of support or condemnation are purely emotionally driven and fluctuate as wildly as Tim Allen's cocaine levels. If that is the case, why would you permanently join a group? This isn't the only form of hypocrisy though. My posting of a note, criticising Facebook is possibly one of the most hypocritical things I've done. One could, I suppose, argue that this all this contradiction isn't really that bad of a thing, and perhaps they're right, but that doesn't magically stop it from getting on my nerves. This brings me to my final lesson.

4. You're all boring

My God, I mean, seriously, what the hell? You people sometimes...
I suppose it makes me feel somewhat less bad about my rather simplistic (read: dull) existence outside of a Uni context, but surely some of you must occasionally do something that piques my interest, yes? Actually, I'm being a little unfair, this does happen, the only problem is that it's lost within a sea of crap. Frankly put, there is no reason to post a status update more than once every couple of days. If you do, you must either spend your days training sharks to ride motorcycles, or you are boring the crap out of the rest of us with your asinine garbage. We are not interested. This isn't just limited to status updates, some of the groups and 'likes' that people join are so pointless that they're not worth the energy required to move your finger and click your mouse button to join. What's that, fellow Facebook connoisseur, you like weekends? Holy shit, me too! We must be soul-mates or something...

Reflecting on this, I think there's one more thing that I'd like to add to my dissatisfactions with everyone's favourite social networking distraction, notes or opinions such as the one I have just completed making. What's the point of a note or message like this? To tell people that there are some people who use Facebook rather stupidly? Holy shit, really? Better stop the presses on that shocking headline. For every idiot, there's another person calling them out on it. What I want to know is who gave these people the moral high-ground so that they could be the sole judge of truth and decency? Actually, I know the answer to this one, it's their enormous God-complexes. Let's face the facts here, I'm nothing more than an extremely bitter homosexual who is pissed off at existence because I've never had anything more important to be pissed off at. My opinions should have no bearing whatsoever and this note is just as asinine and detrimental to society as an 'anti-Chris'-style update. The important thing to remember is that you're no better. But, if it's any consolation, I personally prefer the misanthropy to the stupidity, so at least you'll be making me happy.

I'll stop now, I have a prior appointment to vigorously masturbate to cartoon horses jerking off. If you've read this much, what on earth is wrong with you?

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